The Correction Paradox
As leaders, we’re often quick to identify what needs fixing—the strategy that’s off track, the performance that’s below standard, the behavior that’s misaligned with values. But here’s the paradox: the moment we need our influence the most is precisely when it’s hardest to achieve.
“People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”
This wisdom captures the essence of effective leadership influence: connection must precede correction. When we rush to fix, advise, or redirect without first establishing trust and understanding, we trigger defensiveness rather than openness to change.
Why Correction Without Trust Backfires
The Neuroscience of Defensiveness
When we receive correction without a foundation of trust, our brains perceive it as a threat. The amygdala activates, triggering our fight-flight-freeze response. In this state, our prefrontal cortex—responsible for learning, reasoning, and change—becomes less accessible.
The Psychological Impact
Correction without connection signals judgment rather than support. This triggers shame, which research shows is one of the least effective motivators for positive change. Instead of inspiring improvement, it often leads to disengagement, resentment, or compliance without commitment.
Common Correction Mistakes
The Drive-By Correction
Quick feedback without context or conversation, often delivered in passing or through impersonal channels like email or text.
The Public Critique
Correction delivered in front of others, which adds the dimension of social threat and embarrassment.
The Feedback Sandwich
Burying criticism between compliments, which often feels manipulative and causes people to become suspicious of praise.
The Character Attack
Framing feedback as a personality flaw rather than a specific behavior or outcome that can be changed.
The Connection-First Approach
Connection before correction isn’t about avoiding difficult conversations—it’s about making those conversations more effective. By establishing trust and understanding first, you create the conditions for genuine influence and positive change.
Connection Rituals: The Three Elements
Name
Acknowledge the person as an individual, not just their role or the issue at hand. Use their name and recognize their unique context and contributions.
Practice:
“Sarah, I’ve noticed how much effort you’ve been putting into the client presentations lately.”
Time
Invest in the relationship before addressing the issue. Take a moment to check in authentically and create space for the conversation, rather than rushing to the point.
Practice:
“Do you have a few minutes to talk? I wanted to check in on how you’re feeling about the project before we discuss next steps.”
Curiosity
Approach with genuine interest in their perspective rather than assumptions. Ask questions to understand their experience before sharing your observations.
Practice:
“I’m curious about your thoughts on how the client meeting went yesterday.”
Scripts for Leading with Empathy
Connection-First Conversation Starters
For Performance Concerns
”I’ve noticed you seem to be juggling a lot lately. Before we talk about the project timeline, I’d like to understand what your experience has been like and what support you might need."
"Your contributions to this team are really valuable, which is why I wanted to check in about the recent deliverables. How are you feeling about your progress and workload?”
For Behavioral Feedback
”I value our working relationship, which is why I wanted to have a conversation about something I observed in yesterday’s meeting. Before I share my perspective, I’d like to hear how you experienced that discussion."
"You bring such important insights to our team. I’ve noticed a pattern in our group discussions that I think might be affecting how those insights land. Would you be open to exploring that together?”
For Conflict Resolution
”I’ve noticed some tension between you and the marketing team. I care about your experience here and want to understand your perspective first. What’s been challenging about that working relationship?"
"Both you and Alex bring tremendous value to this project, which is why I wanted to check in about the disagreement in yesterday’s meeting. How are you feeling about that interaction and where things stand?”
The Connection-Influence Cycle
The connection-influence cycle is an ongoing process, not a one-time event. Each time you navigate this cycle with integrity, you strengthen the relationship and build greater capacity for positive change.
Journaling: Where Did I Correct Too Soon?
“Reflect on a recent situation where you offered correction before establishing connection. What was the outcome? How might the conversation have unfolded differently if you had prioritized connection first?”
Your reflection here…
Balancing Connection and Accountability
Connection Is Not Avoidance
Leading with connection doesn’t mean avoiding difficult conversations or lowering standards. In fact, the opposite is true—strong relationships create the foundation for greater accountability and higher performance.
Weak Connection + Low Standards
Result: Disengagement
Team members feel neither supported nor challenged, leading to apathy and minimal effort.
Weak Connection + High Standards
Result: Compliance
Team members meet requirements out of fear or obligation, but without creativity or discretionary effort.
Strong Connection + Low Standards
Result: Comfort
Team members feel good but aren’t challenged to grow or excel, leading to stagnation.
Strong Connection + High Standards
Result: Commitment
Team members feel both supported and challenged, leading to engagement, growth, and excellence.
Your Next Step: Begin with a Personal Check-In
The Connection-First Challenge
The next time you need to provide feedback or correction, commit to beginning with a genuine personal check-in. This simple practice can transform the effectiveness of your influence.
Your Connection-First Template:
- Begin with their name and a genuine acknowledgment
- Check in on their current experience or perspective
- Listen fully without planning your response
- Validate their experience before sharing yours
- Frame feedback in terms of shared goals and support
Remember: Connection before correction isn’t just a leadership technique—it’s a fundamental principle of human influence. When people feel seen, heard, and valued, they become open to growth and change in ways that no amount of correction alone could achieve.